What He offers vs. what we choose to give
Do you like receiving gifts? I know I do, but I’m accustomed to receiving gifts on my birthday and not throughout the year. When you get a gift, do you feel weird about it? Obligated to return the favor? Do you feel more appreciative of someone after they give you a gift?
A couple weeks ago I was at my twenty-somethings group and we were talking about experiencing God in a way that we could feel: to know that he’s done something for us. I completely identify with this desire. I’ve long searched for God in a way that I could feel him, because I tend to trust my emotions more than what I know as truth. I know of one time where I have truly felt God’s presence. I was completely grateful for his time. I guess I would say that is probably the only time I truly felt God’s love for me.
Yet, that night at group when we were discussing the desire to feel God, I felt bothered by it. Some of us need to feel in order to respond to God. We’re more prone to respond if we’ve got a good reason. That night, I was bothered by the thought that it would be so great if God would touch us, because then we would really be able to go out and share him with others. Though this is completely understandable, (how can we share about Jesus if we don’t know him ourselves) I felt like we shouldn’t be asking God to do something for us in order to do something for him; but rather we should choose to give of ourselves because of what he has offered.
To explain, I mean we shouldn’t sit around and wait for God to make us feel good in order to live the life of Christ. We shouldn’t serve one another only when people are kind to us, or out of obligation. We shouldn’t wait for God to make us feel happy before we live our lives for him. I know I’m just rambling, but there is something to be said about a person who gives freely without expectation. And I think this applies to our relationship with God. God gave freely before we ever did anything for him. There is great joy in giving of ourselves because of what he has already done- instead of waiting for what we want/need him to do now. I’ve only recently discovered this.
Now, there is something to be said about our emotions, and why they’re necessary. Though I’m arguing that we should not be prone to showing love only when it’s convenient for us, I have always been an emotional person, and usually ruled by those emotions; either good or otherwise harmful. Last night I was going through this book intended for spiritual transformation and I was shocked to come across another book that made me feel like my emotions were not just allowed, but necessary. This book stated that knowledge isn’t enough (the Gnostics had it wrong) and that our understanding of Jesus basically means nothing if he hasn’t gripped our emotions. After all, don’t we all know that Jesus loves us because of how we feel knowing him? This is not to say that if we’re feeling crappy God isn’t there in the midst of it. I know this first hand. It’s just that we need those times of emotional comfort to remind us of the truth (that we have hope in God and glory from him) when we don’t feel it. Our God is a gift; but does that mean he has to keep on giving in order for us to live for him?
I've got a lot of pictures from this trip...
Top Left, Lesley and I outside the capitol after our tour. Tulips were in season EVERYWHERE we went. Yellows, reds, and pinks, and I took pictures by all of them. Top right, Lesley and I taking one of our famous camera in hand photos (she's got the long arms) with the monument behind us. It was a beautiful (and humid) day. Middle left pic, Lesley eating her half of the chicken salad sandwich that we split at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. Obviously the picture next to that is me. (We take food pics, it's part of the whole travel experience!) Bottom right picture was taken in downtown Annapolis Maryland, with our old friend Polly from Bakersfield. Downtown Annapolis was beautiful and I got yet another magnet to add to my collection. More still to come...
D.C. Photos
Library of Congress pic. I didn't have enough time to get my free ID badge...bummer. This was the first place that Lesley took me to. Our tour started late so we didn't have enough time to take in all that the building/tour had to offer. We had to get a move on to the pentagon! The inside of the Library was stunning, I loved the architecture and the vast color paintings on the wall. So much art, so much to take in, I don't even remember half of what my tour guide had to say...
A shift..
Davis. What in the world am I doing there? The only thing that I can come up with is that I have some time to develop relationships with new people. Other than that, it seems like a pretty weird place for me to be. Yet, it’s the only door, the only opportunity, that was presented to me. What is God up to?
I admit, Davis is a nice little town. There are trees everywhere and everything feels peaceful. A friend of mine said it was like “Pleasantville.” I’m not so sure that I agree, but it definitely feels like a happy place with little problems. Which, come to think of it-sounds like the perfect place for me. However, I feel out of sorts.
My new digs is small and cozy. My room is of decent size, and my cat gets to live with me now instead of in the garage. He is so needy, he is driving me nuts. Won’t let me sleep, always trying to get into things, makes noise, always wants to be by my side. My roommate just got back from Mexico last night so we haven’t had much time to hang out. I’m going to make dinner for her this week though. All in all, it feels good to be settled into this new place, it feels like something is at work…
Along with my move, I’ve felt changes in other aspects of my life. Well, maybe not changes, but a strong searching. I’ve found myself confronted with issues in my life that I shoved aside years ago. I find myself questioning the character of God, but trying to leave out opinions and restrictions. Sometimes it’s really confusing, often times, I’m overwhelmed. Who is this God that I’ve known for so long? Do I really know Him at all? How well? Does he really know me? I definitely don’t want to be one of those people who gets to heaven after years of claiming to know Christ only to find that I’ve been told, “I never knew you.” That certainly can’t be me. So what is there to do? To whom do I seek for guidance? I read a nice proverb today: “For waging war you need guidance, and for victory many advisers" Proverbs 24:6. So I’ve been given some good counsel recently, from an old pastor, and a woman who’s known the Lord for many years-and I felt encouraged, I felt like I was given some peace. I’ve got another meeting in the works to discuss these things. I wonder if the yearning and desire of my heart isn’t significant; I wonder if it’s no coincidence. Could God be calling me to something specific? What is he trying to teach me through this?
Last night's journal entry (verbatim)
So two huge things happened to me recently that I had been fearing for some time. I was so afraid that if these things happened, I would lose control. I did. I have. Holy cow, it's not as bad as I thought it would be!
When the first thing went wrong, I cried. I started to fear. But then I told people about it. I told those I trusted most. I asked them to pray for me. Then, I took it to Christ. I prayed. I meditated. I took a shower. I made new friends, etc.
I have no control over what happens next. I haven't the slightest clue what will happen next. This is glorious!
For a long time now, I've been aching for the Lord to touch me in a real way. I am such a touchy person. I love hugs. I like holding hands. I like to cuddle. I have been hungry for a touch like this from the Lord. I got some. I had a real hug from the Lord! I felt his touch. I understood it in my mind. He held me for a while and then kissed my forehead. I am so happy. I've always wanted to experience something like this; not just say that its possible, but have real experience to back it up with.
I will get through this- I have to. Can it be easier than I thought? Who says it always has to be hard? Can the grace of God really get us through an othwerwise difficult situation with little pain? I think so.
Lord I praisee and thank you for the grace you've given me. I choose full acceptance of this grace and ask for it to continue. Please speak to me through your word and through the Holy Spirit. I will choose to walk in light by faith. I choose to accept where I am at with my job and watch for opening doors. I choose to lay my dreams down at your feet. Thank you for taking them! I choose to leave congrol over my relationships in your hands. I will step out in faith with this move. Thank you for the forgiveness that I've received of my sin. I confess daily. Please put prayer on my heart for others.
Amen.
Let this take hold
I’ve been thinking about this blog for two months, but haven’t found the right moment to share what’s been going on in my mind. But, in an effort to process all that I’ve been shown, and with hope to remember it; I must start somewhere. So let me begin.
About 3 months ago, I began reading “Captivating.” It’s basically “Wild at Heart” for women. I was enthralled by what lied in those pages for me. Suddenly, my quiet times became a new wonder to me; I experienced healing, and spiritual breakthroughs, and most importantly, appreciation of self.
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a woman who loves relationships. I’m not talking romantic relationships, but relationship in general. I am most happy, and most alive when I am relating to others. I am not saying that I am always Christ-like in all my relationships, but it’s in these relationships that I find I can best reveal the heart of Christ. One important fact discussed in the book was that Christ is relational to His core. I know that we’re shown this often in church, but it never sank in with me until I realized that who I am as a woman is in direct relationship to who Christ is in me. I too, was made in His image. My heart longs for deep relationships, because; guess what-so does He. Whoa. I felt vindicated.
One other thing that I wanted to touch on, briefly, is the beauty of God. I have always struggled in this area-to recognize my own particular beauty, but the beauty of God was always known to me. The bible says that the rocks will cry out the glory of God if the people won’t. His beauty is before me in everything, literally everything that I see, and come into contact with on a daily basis. I have the most beautiful office in my building and I am able to look out my window on any given day and see: children at play, storm clouds, lush green landscaping, life, growth. I’ve always felt surrounded by His beauty, but I rarely felt that I encompassed it. Though this fault of mine is directly related to a deep wound that I received, accepting beauty today, knowing that I’m a part, no-the crown of creation, is difficult because my enemy hates, absolutely abhors, beauty. This is why women have it so bad when it comes to this area, we’ve learned to believe that we are the worst mistake because we were the first deceived; but it was because of our beauty, that our enemy hunted us down. We pose such a deep threat to him. I am significant, I am made of Christ, I am beautiful.
There is more to say, and it will come…
A New Start
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