Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Last night's journal entry (verbatim)

So two huge things happened to me recently that I had been fearing for some time. I was so afraid that if these things happened, I would lose control. I did. I have. Holy cow, it's not as bad as I thought it would be!

When the first thing went wrong, I cried. I started to fear. But then I told people about it. I told those I trusted most. I asked them to pray for me. Then, I took it to Christ. I prayed. I meditated. I took a shower. I made new friends, etc.

I have no control over what happens next. I haven't the slightest clue what will happen next. This is glorious!

For a long time now, I've been aching for the Lord to touch me in a real way. I am such a touchy person. I love hugs. I like holding hands. I like to cuddle. I have been hungry for a touch like this from the Lord. I got some. I had a real hug from the Lord! I felt his touch. I understood it in my mind. He held me for a while and then kissed my forehead. I am so happy. I've always wanted to experience something like this; not just say that its possible, but have real experience to back it up with.

I will get through this- I have to. Can it be easier than I thought? Who says it always has to be hard? Can the grace of God really get us through an othwerwise difficult situation with little pain? I think so.

Lord I praisee and thank you for the grace you've given me. I choose full acceptance of this grace and ask for it to continue. Please speak to me through your word and through the Holy Spirit. I will choose to walk in light by faith. I choose to accept where I am at with my job and watch for opening doors. I choose to lay my dreams down at your feet. Thank you for taking them! I choose to leave congrol over my relationships in your hands. I will step out in faith with this move. Thank you for the forgiveness that I've received of my sin. I confess daily. Please put prayer on my heart for others.

Amen.

posted by CarGate @ 9:09 AM 17 comments

Monday, March 27, 2006

Let this take hold

I’ve been thinking about this blog for two months, but haven’t found the right moment to share what’s been going on in my mind. But, in an effort to process all that I’ve been shown, and with hope to remember it; I must start somewhere. So let me begin.

About 3 months ago, I began reading “Captivating.” It’s basically “Wild at Heart” for women. I was enthralled by what lied in those pages for me. Suddenly, my quiet times became a new wonder to me; I experienced healing, and spiritual breakthroughs, and most importantly, appreciation of self.

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a woman who loves relationships. I’m not talking romantic relationships, but relationship in general. I am most happy, and most alive when I am relating to others. I am not saying that I am always Christ-like in all my relationships, but it’s in these relationships that I find I can best reveal the heart of Christ. One important fact discussed in the book was that Christ is relational to His core. I know that we’re shown this often in church, but it never sank in with me until I realized that who I am as a woman is in direct relationship to who Christ is in me. I too, was made in His image. My heart longs for deep relationships, because; guess what-so does He. Whoa. I felt vindicated.

One other thing that I wanted to touch on, briefly, is the beauty of God. I have always struggled in this area-to recognize my own particular beauty, but the beauty of God was always known to me. The bible says that the rocks will cry out the glory of God if the people won’t. His beauty is before me in everything, literally everything that I see, and come into contact with on a daily basis. I have the most beautiful office in my building and I am able to look out my window on any given day and see: children at play, storm clouds, lush green landscaping, life, growth. I’ve always felt surrounded by His beauty, but I rarely felt that I encompassed it. Though this fault of mine is directly related to a deep wound that I received, accepting beauty today, knowing that I’m a part, no-the crown of creation, is difficult because my enemy hates, absolutely abhors, beauty. This is why women have it so bad when it comes to this area, we’ve learned to believe that we are the worst mistake because we were the first deceived; but it was because of our beauty, that our enemy hunted us down. We pose such a deep threat to him. I am significant, I am made of Christ, I am beautiful.

There is more to say, and it will come…

posted by CarGate @ 3:28 PM 1 comments